“I’m not adoptable,” he stated flatly. “What?”, I replied, surprised by his comment. “I’m. Not. Adoptable.” He repeated it louder, as if perhaps he thought I was hard of hearing. He was sitting on my exam table, and I had just been looking in his ears and asking him about school and friends. Then the conversation turned to family and why he was in foster care. His parents had been involved with drugs for many years. His dad was now in prison, mom was nowhere to be found – he wondered if she might be dead. He had been in DHS custody since the age of 5 – he was now 15.
“I went to this adoption party, and I overheard some people say that I’m not adoptable because I am too old.” At that, tears welled up in his eyes and began to spill down his face. I grabbed him, held on to him. Not exactly what we are trained to do in medical school, but it was a reflex- I couldn’t help it. He took a few breaths and went on. “I met some people who wanted to adopt a son. They talked to me for a little while but then moved on to meet other children, and I overheard them saying that I was too old, that no one would want to adopt someone my age.” His eyes were dry now but sad. “All I used to want was to be adopted. I am a good kid – I am not the smartest, but I do OK in school. I know how to take care of myself. I don’t get in any trouble. I don’t understand why no one wants me.”
My mind was spinning, quickly assessing my own family situation. A toddler at home and another baby on the way, in a three bedroom house that was quickly becoming decorated in “toy.” Both my husband and I working full time, and me taking night classes in health administration on top of that. Did I want to add a 15 year old boy with 10 years of foster care and a lifetime of baggage to that?
No.
I told him that I thought he was perfectly adoptable, and that I was sure someone would come along who wanted him. It sounded lame even to me.
“Do YOU want me? Would YOU ever adopt me?”
I was frozen. Of course I wanted him to have a family, I just didn’t want the effort of being it. He could sense my struggle, and his face changed again, this time looking reserved and emotionless. “It’s OK,” he said. “My case worker says I need to spend the next couple of years learning how to take care of myself anyway.” Head down, I left the room and went on to the rest of my day, but I never forgot him. And I didn’t sleep for a week. And I felt like a fraud. And I have always wondered if he should have been MY son.
“If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.” – 1 Corinthians 13:1 (NIV)
I only have a few older kids that I work with that are in foster care. I hear this a lot from people that older kids are not adoptable. I also have younger kids that I work with and some of them are sibling sets of 3 plus kids. I hear about them that no one will ever adopt all three or more of them into one home. I know that the families who take multiple kids and older kids appear to be far a few between, though they are out there. I recently had a family I work with adopt 5 kids over a 2 year period of time. This included 2 sibling sets. I think that it is more of a question of system failure than of kid failure. I question often why we have developed so much doubt and negativity in this area. When did we become so busy and self centered in life that we couldn’t help take care of just one orphan? I’m not sure that some people avoid fostering and adoption out of either of these, but more out a the fear of becoming part of a broken system.
Wow. This got me all teary too. I guess he’s aged out now?
I wish I knew where he is. We could pick him up for the weekend, take him to church, fishing, to the cabin in Colorado. I pray that someone out there did or is doing this. I’ll be honest, Deb, sometimes I am just not up to reading your posts. It tears my heart out. We raised a difficult daughter, but things are slowly getting better, and she has given us those beautiful grandchildren. I hope this young man has someone in his life who can now say it was worth it. I know somewhat how you felt, but our families are still our first responsibility. And as for the hugging, I hugged kids when they needed it. I found that the boys were more openly needy than the girls.
You are doing a wonderfully Christlike thing. Love and prayers, Toni
May…
Deb,
You are a beautiful woman. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. How often we find ourselves in that position. As you have illustrated so wonderfully, it’s the Love of Christ which allows us to see that child’s pain and not look away….even, and especially, when we don’t have all the answers for him.
The day before yesterday, I was driving down the road with my precious daughters. Feeling rather burdened lately…. I was irritated, angry, overwhelmed, hurt, saying things in my mind like…I canNOT do this anymore…It’s too much….oh, God, help me…
Yesterday I think God was trying to get my attention.
I sat next to a gentleman last night in a meeting who had this tattooed on his forearm: “I am not but I know I AM and He saved me.”
My girls and I were reading, also yesterday, in Exodus 3 where God explains that very thing to Moses.
Also, yesterday, the Lord brought 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 to mind: “For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.”
And this: Colossians 1:17 “And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.”
And, also yesterday, I read this particular post.
I have felt the full weight of this crushing pain lately: I am not.
And I’m overwhelmed by this truth: I know I AM and He has saved me. He never is not.
Thank you Jesus.
Thank you all so much for your kindness and your heartfelt comments – it is a great encouragement to me.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by DebShropshire: New blog post: Orphan http://www.fosteringhopeproject.org/2010/02/11/orphan/...
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