Trust is a small word with large, even gigantic, implications.
I remember those moments like they happened yesterday. She was 14, and was in my office for a check-up. We talked through some of the normal stuff that I like to know – how she is doing in this foster home, her school grades, whether she has good friends. Oh, and what about boys? Any of them hanging around? On that day the conversation was easy, though it had not always been. After a few moments of catching up, she handed me a notebook. The cover was faded blue and torn a little bit. It was also a little discolored, as if water had spilled on it. Or perhaps tears. I didn’t say anything, but my eyes must have asked the question. “It’s my story,” she answered. “My counselor made me write it, then told me I had to find someone I trust to give it to. I have carried it around for a while, but I decided I want to give it to you.”
I opened the pages slowly, carefully. Contained there were stories, poems, and drawings, each representing a piece of her history. Stories about her family, about loss and grief, but also joy and excitement. Pictures of her siblings, who she rarely saw but thought of often. I sat next to her on the exam table as we thumbed through the pages, and she filled me in on even more details than the pages contained.
It was a holy moment, a sacred time – one that changed me. Like many people, somewhere between childhood and adulthood I quit trusting people. Got burned a few times. Once bitten, twice shy – that sort of thing. But the truth is that trusting people is part of our DNA. Without it, we aren’t able to fully engage the humanity around us. Aren’t fully able to enjoy all that a relationship offers. It is not something to enter carelessly, to be sure. But if we are able to trust and be trusted, we will experience an unusual depth to our relational interactions.
That kid needed someone to trust, and I needed the reminder that I do too.
I have been a teacher for nearly 30 years. I dislike the foster care system. In my opinion orphanages are better if they are set up right. Take the Baptist Boy’s Ranch model just outside of Edmond, OK. I think this model leaves less opportunity for abuse from adults or from kids on kids. There are more checks and balances in these situations than in isolated foster homes. Over my years of teaching I have worked with very few quality foster homes, I have been involved in several foster home abuse cases. In the model I spoke about the children are not isolated from their families unless it is necessary. The families are encouraged to be involved in counseling so that their children can be returned to them. Faith based initiatives provide the way forward for these broken homes to be restored.
Josephine is right, there are many sub-standard foster homes. However, there are also many who love with their whole hearts, hurt like they are dying, and advocate for children in foster care on every single level.
I’m unsure there is a single answer. But I do know that one answer is that good homes need to be recruited in the beginning. And, if people who have good, loving, stable homes, would open their hearts just a bit, and realize they can take on some pain and some imperfect children… and survive it, there would be more homes of quality in which to place children.
I grew up just across from the Boy’s Ranch. I played with those kids. Adults can abuse in any situation, and children can as well…..boy’s ranch, foster homes, birth homes, even in schools. We just have to all work together to do the absolute best we can & BEG for others to get involved along the way.
So much is said about ‘bad’ foster homes…..and it is a problem……but for those who have good foster homes, have their hearts in the right place, and sacrifice an incredible amount……..KUDOS!
What a beautiful moment for both of you. Thank you for your willingness to sit and listen to a story that so desperately needed to be told.