A few months ago I met this lady. She had everything going for her. Great family. Nice house. Lots of control over her day. But she had this little voice in the back of her head telling her to get involved with foster kids. It had been there for a long time, and every once in a while she would explore her options. Attend a class. Sign up for more information. That sort of thing.
Then everything changed.
She heard about a kid who didn’t have anywhere else to go. Who desperately needed a family. She mentioned it to her husband, who didn’t hesistate. She made the phone call, and the next thing you know, their family grew.
To a casual observer, she may come across as reckless. After all, getting involved with this kid will take time away from her family. Will cost her some money and some tears. Will mess up her schedule. But the truth is, she isn’t reckless at all. She is simply wrecked. She can’t stand the idea of a kid who has no mom. Can’t imagine a teen who has no home. Can’t tolerate knowing about foster kids without doing something about it. Her heart is wrecked.
Or, perhaps you could say she is wreckless.
I wonder if Webster will add that one to the dictionary…
So this weekend I got in the mood to make cinnamon rolls. The kind my mom used to make. The kind you have to actually mix up and roll out. I’ve never made them before, but it didn’t look that hard. Saturday was the day. I dug out the recipe. Made sure I had the ingredients. Invited friends for breakfast. Got up early and started cooking.
Huh. They aren’t nearly as good as I remember.
They looked like my mom’s. Tasted like them too. But the truth is, I’ve had better. Much better. When I was kid, they were the only cinnamon rolls I knew. But by my age, I have experienced a lot more cooking styles. More recipes and ingredients. And now I know there is something better.
Many kids in foster care came from homes where parenting wasn’t done very well. By most any standards. Supervision is an issue when your mom is depressed or on drugs. Role modeling is an issue when your dad is absent. Or violent. In many homes, simply surviving another day is the best a child can hope for.
Huh. Why don’t foster kids grow up and do better with their own kids? Seems like they would have learned a thing or two.
They did. They learned exactly what they were taught. Which is why we have to teach a new thing. A better way of parenting, of living. A better way to relate to others. Providing a model for new ways to live is one of the most important gifts we can give a foster kid.
Will you be a role model?
She sat quietly, blinking away tears, as she read again the mother’s day poem. Next to her lay a stack of construction paper cards and colorful trinkets made by her kids to honor the day. But this gift - it was different. It was straight from the heart of her daughter.
Her mind drifted back four years to the day the girl came to live in their home. They had interacted at the occasional family gathering, but this was a whole new kind of relationship. The nearly 13 year-old brought very few physical possessions, but the emotional baggage that tagged along could have filled up the house.
Abuse. Brokenness. Anger. Sadness. Distrust. Rage.
There had been many good days, that was sure. But many struggles as well. Often the relationship between the two was like being beaten by the wind and rain of a hurricane. Yet somehow they struggled together against the storm – held on to each other.
Survived. Cared. Healed. Redeemed. Loved.
The storm isn’t over, but on Mother’s Day, they were able to rest for a little while. As words from a chosen daughter filled the heart of an adoptive mom.
You
You pulled me
Out of the
Dark
You saved me
From could’ve
Beens
You’ve been
Here with me
Through
Good and bad
Thick and thin
And
Haven’t given up
You’re strong
When I’m weak
You’re peaceful
When I’m out of
Control
You’re my mom
My role-model
And my hero
I love you and
I wanna be
Just like you!
I love you mom
Some days this job sucks. Some days I can’t tell that there is any progress.
“We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist…” 1 Corinthians 13:12 (MSG)
Four years is a long time in kid life. I remember meeting the sibling quartet four years ago. They were strung out across three foster homes, and it took me a couple of clinic visits to figure out they were one family. The boys were all a little unruly, but their freckled faces, dimpled cheeks, and quick smiles got them out of a lot of trouble. The girl was harder to connect with – she was older, and less trusting. But over time, the relationship grew.
Time went by, and somewhere along the way I met their parents. Fell in love with them. Poured into them. Opened my heart, my mind, and occasionally even my checkbook. They got their kids back.
I thought I saw progress, or did I just imagine that?
Then the kids showed up with foster parents again. And I was devastated. And angry. A little at the parents. But mostly at God. “Why don’t you do anything?” I complained. “When are you going to show up? I am tired of this, tired of being disappointed. Tired of watching foster kids come and go. Tired of hoping that their lives will improve, only to realize later that nothing is better. When are you going to do something about this?”
His answer? I did. I sent you.
I don’t like that answer. Because I can’t see very well. I don’t know if what I am spending my life doing makes any difference. I don’t know what happens to that group of three brothers and a sister whose parents can’t get their act together. I don’t know if they get to stay with each other or get separated. I don’t know at what point hope is lost in them. At what point they give up. I just don’t know…
“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity…Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Cor. 13:12 (NLT)
“He’s having trouble with his schoolwork”. She waved in the general direction of the boy in the room. At 12, he didn’t look particularly worried about her comment. “He doesn’t do his homework – doesn’t even get home with it sometimes. By the time I get there it is late, and he can’t seem to find it. And he got kicked out of school today.” He still looked calm. I hesitated, wanting to escape the room before this got too messy. “And my daughter is struggling too – she is seeing a counselor.” Too late. I sat down. “What is really going on in your life? Tell me the story of your family.”
For the first time in the entire encounter, she looked at me. Eye to eye. As if she wanted me to prove my level of interest. Then she closed her eyes and began to share. Molested as a child. Kicked out of the house at 13. A drug addict at 16. Twice a mom by 19. In and out of jail and rehab and terrible relationships throughout her 20′s.
Clean for 3 years. A stable job and a stable place to live. Night classes to get her associates degree.
“You have been through a lot, but you are achieving some amazing things.” I said. “How did you survive?” She sat up straight and lifted her chin. “You just have to keep walking in the fire – keep moving,” she replied. “You can’t stop or you will die.” Her face looked a little softer now, and there was a touch of pride in her eyes, as if telling the story helped her realize just how much she had already overcome. We talked a little more, and I offered what encouragement and suggestions I had. And she agreed to try them, and to come back in a few weeks so we could talk more. As I watched them leave, I found myself really hoping that she would.
There is still fire, but she is still walking. And now, maybe I will get the opportunity to walk with her.
Are you willing to walk in the fire with someone today?
So I have this friend. Actually we have only been friends for a few months. But it turns out that we have something unusual in common. We both love foster kids, but that isn’t the uncommon part. What sets my friend apart is that she loves the birth parent of her foster kids. In case you blew past that, let me say it again.
She loves the birth parent of her foster kids.
She believes that she is called to do that – to create opportunities for a mom that has never had anything. To offer relationship that doesn’t have strings attached. Her husband believes it too. And her friends are starting to. In fact, she is rounding up a whole army of people who are willing to go deep with her.
To get dirty. To work hard. To hurt. To get frustrated. To pray. To encourage. To support. To hope. And most of all? To love.
It’s really what we should be about.
For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love. Galatians 5:6 (MSG)